My Dad taped this little bit of goodness off of a television program over 10 years ago. It may have been the Montreal Comedy Festival, but I wouldn't swear to it. Regardless, I got a copy of it to take with me to college and I've got to tell you, it was a real blessing. Just about any time I, or one of my friends was feeling down a bit, we'd just put this on and enjoy.
His name is Peter Gaulke and he's bizarre, funny and just plain weird at times, but he helped a few of us through college.
Ryan Prinkey was kind enough a couple of months ago to provide two links to a couple of Peter Gaulke stand-up bits that are available on youtube. According to his IMDb profile, he has done and still does a bit of writing for television and movies -- other than that, he's relatively obscure, which just makes it even funnier!
For posterity, I've transcribed the video word for word in its entirety. The full version can be found HERE. Below are a few excerpts:
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Oh thank you -- MORE!
Oh thank you
Oh thank you
One more time, for me!
Oh thank you
Oh thank you
[begins playing with pants]
Oh thank you
Oh, yes!
Oh thank you
Oh, I'm very popular here tonight
[continues playing with pants]
It's very nice to be here this evening
I'm very proud to be here; very honored
I'm very proud and honored
I'm very excited
'Excited' is the word I'm looking for -- I'm very excited.
I Love You
You know how much fun it is doing this in front of a lot of people? Ha-Ha!
You're standing on the corner; you see some old guys pants doing this; he's
not even touching them? Whoa!
Dog pops his head up? Woof!
Pants are a a man's best friend
My name's Peter Gaulke, and I'm popular!
I'm very popular -- because -- I love music,
yeah!
I once played in a five-piece rock band.
We weren't very good, though, because we all played bass.
We had a tambourine player for a while, we were kickin' ass!
He left an all-tambourine band -- they suck!
We were the best
[imitates playing bass]
Bip - BipBip - BipBipBipBip - Bip - Bip - Bip
Hit it Bob! [continues bass playing]
Bip - BipBip - Bip
[Checks belt] I put it on '4'
The most defenseless animal in the world would have to be a jellyfish --- on
dry land -- with a stick in him,
Whoa!
How many have ever been to the beach and seen jellyfish just lying there?
Right?
Just big hunks of jelly.
Just running up the beach with those big tree-trunk legs -- just snort,
snort
No -- they don't have legs -- they have little faces, though
You ever lift up that jelly? Just -- HEY!!
No -- I just made that up. That'd be great if they did, though -- little
moustache -- WHY NOT!
I think when God made jellyfish, He just went Achoo! [imitates sneezing on
hand]
[imitates flinging hands] There goes a jellyfish right there.
There goes another one -- I like that -- I made that - I make everything
around here, as a matter of fact.
He makes everything
He made my Dad --
What a mess!
Actually, my Dad taught me -- Magic! Oooooh!
[unbuttons two top buttons of shirt to reveal chest and raises collar]
[pulls small towel from prop-bag]
That's right, magic: one of the most important things you can ever learn
[pulls pants up -- higher than normal]
[puts towel in front of pants, then reveals that pants have dropped to normal
position]
[gives 'astounded' look]
No -- OK, settle down -- OK, back to your seats, OK, that's it, OK, settle
down, now
My Dad's favorite magic trick:
[imitates magic show music and theatrics]
[raises towel in front of extended arm]
[towel drops to reveal missing arm (obviously pulled inside
shirt)]
Hey!!! [astounded by 'missing' arm] [Bows to cheers]
Thank you!
Oh thank you!
Oh thank you!
I'm very popular here tonight
I'm very popular in Peru
In Peru, they consider me -- a genius
In Guatemala, reactions are rather mixed
But in Peru, they say the Guatemalans don't know what they're talking about.
In Peru, they always say, "Peter Gaulke es grande pendejo" -- Mr. Big Popular!
Because "grande" means 'Big' -- So "pendejo" must mean 'Popular!'
Oh thank you!
You know -- the reason I think I am so popular is - because -- I fear nothing
I once went skydiving
It was great! [pulls chair over]
They took me up in the airplane, preparing for my jump -- about 60,000 feet
[seemingly reacting to a scoff from audience]
That too high??
I was in the Space Shuttle! They loved me up there!
On reentry, my pants burst into flame the heat was so
intense
the time I hit the ground, all that was left of me was my finger
[wiggles finger and looks longingly at it]
Boy, those were the days.
It was great
[positions himself over a chair to simulate free-falling]
I was falling faster than normal because I had a chair strapped to my chest
I knew it was really gonna hurt when I landed too, because I noticed the chair
was missing those little rubber feet on the bottoms of the legs.
[stands back
up]
Actually, my parachute didn't even open -- but I was OK!
Because I landed right here [indicates shoulder/neck area, and shows
'bouncing' on that area]
See that spring action? That saved my life -- very grateful for that.
Actually, my one ambition in life is to live forever. Ya know what? So far --
So good! Yeah!
Thank you -- 100% success rate.
Actually, the one thing I've noticed that different between us and
animals...
Actually, there are a lot of differences -- like, thousands of them -- pretty
much blows my whole theory.
The one I'VE noticed -- is that animals don't care how they look.
You know, like we get a little piece of food stuck in our teeth - it's like -
"Ewww"
You know, nobody ever tells you have food in your teeth, either
Half of you probably have food in your teeth right now.
friends are going -- "Don't tell them -- make them smile -- Yuk-Yuk-Yuk"
You ever get a big hunk of meat rammed in there? [points at teeth] -- just a
big hunk of beef just packed right in there - just - pork fat hanging off
right there - big pork rib bone hanging up right here [simulates feeling
curved bone sticking from teeth] Where? Here? Here? Oh no! Rib
Bone!
I had a sunflower seed - just rammed right in there - big fat one - just
honkin' bang - nobody told me it was there for like a month - just rammed
right in there
I had a big sprout coming out of it, too - right here - big sunflower right on
the end of that thing -- In the morning that thing had turned toward the sun
and just twist my neck around. Very annoying.
[simulates twisting and popping neck w/ loud cracking sound]
[imitates having a hurt neck]
No -- it's just this [shows noise-maker in hand used to make cracking sound in
mic]
Boy -- that would hurt though if that was my neck! Ha!
Big bone popping out -- what the hell? Hang a hat on that thing - WHY NOT!
Oh thank you
I've been working out -- I don't know if you can tell
[begins showing off Adam's apple] I want this to get that big
Actually, I can eat anything and not gain weight -- thank you
See, what I do is: before I eat a really huge meal, I just swallow a Hefty
trashcan liner - when I'm through eating, I just yank that thing out of there
-- You can't gain weight like that -- I'm a GENIUS!!
OK - let's start snapping those fingers now
[sets brisk tempo - snapping]
Come on, let's go
Here we go
Come on, everybody
Come on, way in the back there.
Hit It!
[music begins at slower tempo]
[stops and adjusts to music]
Sorry [continues snapping]
To the music, now - come on, everybody - yeah
I wrote this song [simple boogie-woogie piano bass line]
It goes on like this for an hour and a half
It's beautiful
OK - here we go -- ready? -- Everybody! [instructing - continues snapping with
arms in funny position]
Yeah - come on - let's go - just like this - come on everybody [audience
follows instructions]
OK - ready? Here we go now [instructing - snapping in funnier position]
Yeah! [a few audience members continue following instructions]
Look - they're doing it -- they're stupid! Look!
[instructs to one section] Yeah, just you guys, do this! [pokes self in eye]
Oww!
continues and picks up tempo]
[turns away from audience -- slips trousers down below waist, nearly to bottom
of extra-long shirt, giving the
of a very long torso and short legs]
[begins to dance to music]
Hi! I'm Torso-Man!!
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Again, the above bits are only excerpts from the whole. Click HERE for more.
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